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Scene 1

At Jenny’s apartment. Doris is moving in. Jenny is obsessed with painting/promotion. Doris is obsessed with car washing; especially washing behind the wheels.

Jenny begins the scene starting to tidy away her art supplies. Doris knocks on the door and Jenny goes to open it.

Doris: Hello! Is this room 603?

Jenny: Yeah. You must be Doris Halliday. Come on in.

Doris: Thank you!

Jenny: Two things I have to warn you about. One, sorry if it gets messy at times. I’m working on my piece for my next art show and two…

Jenny is interrupted by Doris screaming

Doris: What was that? It felt like a cat was scratching on my ankle? I don’t see anything though?

Jenny: Yeah. As I was saying. Two, this apartment room is haunted by a cat that died while in this room. I’d rather not explain how it happened.

Doris: I wish they’d have told me that before I moved in.

Jenny: Typical landlord. He’s weird. Weird Jerry. He’ll do anything to get people to move in.

Doris: I can see that now.

Jenny: Hey, is that your car? It’s really cool. Is it brand new?

Doris: Nope!

Doris shows Jenny the sponge

Doris: I just washed it, though. Looks like I did a good job.

Doris accidently drops her bag full of car cleaning products. Jenny looks at one of the objects that fell out. She’s confused.

Jenny: What’s this?

Doris: In simple terms, it’s an item that holds the car up while I have the wheel off and I’m cleaning behind it.

Jenny: Right. Of course. Yeah, erm, I have one of those. I’ve just lost it and need to, er, get a new one. Or maybe I could borrow yours?

Jenny laughs nervously.

Doris: No can do. It’s one of a kind: The CarHolder 3,000.

Jenny: Yeah… Obviously. That’s the one I had. It was on sale though. Cause I would never spend…..

Jenny waits for Doris to fill in her blanks.

Doris: £55

Jenny: £55. I knew that!

Doris: Well, can you show me my bedroom?

Jenny: ‘Course.

Scene 2

Jenny is in the apartment, stage left. Doris is outside washing her car, stage right.

 Shouting down at DORIS

Jenny: (shouting down to Doris) Yo Doris, what ya doing?

Doris: (shouting up at Jenny) Just the usual, washing my car so that it’s the cleanest it’s ever been.

Jenny: Right. Of course. With the CarHolder 3,000?

Doris: Obviously!

Jenny: Okay then…

Doris walks off stage.

Jenny: Well, back to work. Now where did I put those paint supplies?

Jenny does a lap of the stage until she finds her prop.

Ah ha! Here it is. Okay, now I just need to find an empty space to paint. Let’s see, I’ve already painted all the walls in the living room, I left one wall empty in the kitchen, both bedrooms are filled with paint and so is the bathroom. So what’s left?

Jenny looks down at the floor and kneels down.

Well, I guess I haven’t thought of the floor. But then if Doris comes back and walks everywhere, she’ll probably ruin it. Maybe if I use a fan to cool it could dry quicker. I guess it could work. Well, let’s try it!

Scene 3

Doris is outside with her car, stage right. Jenny is inside painting the apartment, stage left.

Doris: Looks like I’ve done it again, and it’s all thanks to my CarHolder 3000. (to the CarHolder 3000) I love you! From the Earth to the Moon and back a million times!

(she sighs) I’m bored. Now what should I clean? I bet Jenny is painting again, and I really don’t want to ruin her hard work. But it’s really getting on my nerves. Every part of the house is covered in paint. Well, maybe I could wash the dishes… that’s good enough.

Doris heads back to the apartment.

Wow!

Jenny: Cher.

Doris: Wow-cher?

Jenny: It’s an advert. (Jenny talks in a high pitched voice) Get your wow a day, at wowcher.co.uk.

Doris: Whatever. What are you doing?!

Jenny: Painting the floor. (quietly) Paint the mustard, paint, paint the mustard.

Doris: I can see that. But, why?

Jenny: Cause I ran out of space. (quietly) Paint the ketchup, paint, paint the ketchup.

Doris: Then why didn’t you buy another easel or something?

Jenny: Because that’s a half an hour drive away. (quietly) Paint the rainbow, paint, paint the rainbow.

Doris: Okay well, why do you keep saying that?

Jenny: Saying what?

Doris: Something like Paint the vinegar, paint, paint the vinegar.”

Jenny: Every artist has their way. And by the way, I would never say vinegar. It’s disgusting.

Doris: But you said mustard.

Awkward silence.

Jenny: Well, it’s a nice colour?

Doris: It’s a mouldy colour.

Awkward silence.

Doris: Anyway. You need to clean this up.

Jenny: What? Why?!

Doris: Erm, because it’s getting out of hand.

Jenny: Why can’t you see it from my point of view?

Doris: Because I can’t read minds.

Jenny: You know what? It doesn’t matter. Just leave it. Have it your way.

Doris: Really?

Doris leaves, and slams the door behind her. Jenny is left looking very confused.

Scene 4

Doris is on the phone.

Doris: Hello. Yes, I have a complaint. Well, yesterday I went online and decided to order some cleaner and instead of the MopMaid 106, you sent me the MopMAD 106. (pause) What do you mean you don’t sell it here? You had it before. I know you did. Are you going to restock? (pause) No?! Why?(pause) But you did sell it! Fine. I’ll leave it. But only because I don’t want this phone call to last any longer. I don’t want to waste my credit on idiots like you.

Scene 5

Inside the apartment.

Doris: What on earth were you thinking?!

Jenny: Nice to see you, too!

Doris: I come home and my car is covered in paint! Not even a nice colour, either. I mean, sky blue?! WHAT’S WRONG WITH SAPPHIRE BLUE?!

Jenny: How are you?

Doris: AND THAT HORRID MUSTARD COLOUR! YOU KNOW I HATE THAT!

Jenny: I’ll take that as a, “I’m fine, thank you!” PAINT THE MUSTARD, PAINT, PAINT THE MUSTARD.

Doris: AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN CLEANED THE APARTMENT! I mean really, do you not have any time on your hands?!

Jenny: You know I’m busy working on some art pieces to submit to the art gallery.

Doris: Yes, but you didn’t mention that OUR APARTMENT WAS THE ART GALLERY! Look, just promise me you will at least not paint the apartment anymore?

Jenny: I can’t!

Doris: But why?!

Jenny: I’ve been banned from all the art supplies shops around the city.

Doris: All of them?

Jenny: Well, the ones with supplies that are actually good quality…

Doris: Well, what about Homebase?

Jenny: Paintbrush went right through the easel.

Doris: Okay, well how about Olivia’s Art House Of Fun?

Jenny: Well, first off, the name is freaky. And second, they don’t sell proper easels. They sell ones where around twenty pieces of paper have been stuck together to create a weird texture and surface.

Doris: Ugh. Just, please. At least stop painting the things that matter the most to me? Promise?

Jenny shakes her head.

Fine then, have it your way. But you’ll regret this.

Scene 6

Doris is outside with her car, stage right. Jenny is in the apartment, stage left.

Doris: Couldn’t even answer, couldn’t even answer me! Why am I still living with this… this… this freak! Now what am I support to do? Use my stupid MopMad 106 to wash away as much as possible, and then try and repaint my car.

Doris gets an idea.

Wait a second. (she reads the label on the MopMad 106) This liquid is able to wash away paint. Be careful of… la de da de da, none of this matters. Takes less than half an hour to take action and wear away the paint. So it washes away paint, ey? This could be helpful after all…

Doris freezes. Cross cut to Jenny.

JENNY: It’s not my fault that the decent art shops around here have banned me. Why do I have to always get the blame? It’s not my fault. Why can’t she just understand how important this is to me? (Jenny does a mean impression of Doris) My car is more important. the CarHelper 17,000 is the best. I need more cleaning supplies. I need a better sponge. Jenny, clean the apartment.

Makes me sick. Well I’m not going to listen to that… that… that brat anymore.

Scene 7

Doris: Finally, I got all the paint off. Oh dang it!

Doris looks at the car. It’s scratched. She picks up the cleaner and reads the rest of the label.

This liquid… blah, blah, blah. I’ve already read this. Ah. Beware, some chemicals in this liquid may cause damage to your car. Use a small amount every ten minutes. Damn it! Well, time for the apartment.

Jenny enters.

Jenny: Hey Doris, I’m ba-

Jenny looks around and is shocked that almost all the walls are scrubbed clean.

Jenny: What did you do?!

Doris: Cleaned the apartment. Did you know that the car cleaner I bought was just a normal cleaner that cleans away paint?